I went to… November 22, 2009

Wilmington for the weekend, its been a few weeks, i love my family. gracyn is getting so big! almost a year. : )

 

this past few months, have been intense, i guess you could say, alot of change, and growth, its been hard. i am at a place in life, where most of the change and growth have been personal ones, that are hard to explain. but they are good, i guess the best way to sum up how i feel, is very raw, and tender, kinda like when you get a burn or something, and the skin is literally raw, and tender and when anything touches it, it hurts, really really bad, or its very uncomfortable, and while you know this, that its going to not feel the best, you also know that its healing, and “new skin”(growth) is taking place. that might not be the best way to sum it up, but it works for me.  : )

I went to morningstar in wilmington this morning, and it was so dead on with things going on in my life, and in the lives of some people i care about alot.  i guess the thing that stuck out to me, was the pastor was talking about living in the past, and how that is not the best, how can you grow and move forward when you are always looking at the past? and the mistakes you have made? he said its like when you are driving, and only looking in the review mirror, its an accident waiting to happen. this was so simple, but yet so huge at the same time, he also talked about encouragement, which has been on my heart for a while now, and also seeing people as God sees people. i know this kinda vague, but it was so huge to me, some one also had a word for me, that was so dead on it wasnt even funny…like to the exact things that were going on in my life and heart. i then knew in that moment, that i was okay, and that i was going to be okay, i just have to keep pushing forward, and stop holding things against me that i have done in the past, its in the past, its done, cant be fixed, or changed. we are human, we mess up. God still loves us. and the really cool awesome amazing part is that we can come BOLDLY to the throne on our darkest of days, just like we can on the best of days! regardless of how we see ourselves, and what others say, we can go to the throne.

another thing that has been on my heart is the fact that we have things we have to over come, if you know me, you know i have in the past been a huge fan of running from those things that i need to face and deal with…but here as of late…i have been able to deal with them head on. the things that i have struggled with the most, that i thought i was to weak to face, and to overcome, havent been so hard to overcome after all. Jesus is bigger than our weakness, and if we dont stay put and deal with them when they pop up, how can we grow? how can we become stronger? How can we over come?  i know from many many many personal times of running away/moving to a new city or even running and doing ministry that every time i run or move…i find the same problem or temptation there…just a million times worse as it would have been if i had just stayed and walked it out and faced it, we have to face out giants ( not to act like the movie. ) but we do…we think its better to run away…but it doesnt do anything…just kinda grows, and then we return to that place, and the temptation is still there and we fall back in to it, we take it by the hand and walk with it untill we give in and sin. temptation is not sin, sin is sin, jesus was tempted but never sinned. i find hope in that. i find life in that.

i am so happy about what the Lord is doing even when i am raw and uncomfortable, He makes everything beautiful just in time. nd time answers to God.

 

i love you.

not this time… November 2, 2009

The past few months have been somewhat crazy, not all in a bad way, most in a good way, the lord is changing me, and my heart, and i will never say that i am  perfect, and that i dont mess up, because, well, i will be the first to step and say when i have done something i shouldn’t or i have said something i shouldnt have, i will do my best to make it right, it might take me a nice long time to get it, but i will do whatever i can to make it right, while in the process of making things right, i tend to forget that some people tend to make it all about them, and think that i am “using” them to get something out of them…i am not sure what makes people think this, it just goes to show they they never knew me in the first place, and thats okay, i will just learn and move on, my heart is at a great place now, and regardless of the things that people would like to say about me and think about me, they cant really do much harm to me, not this time.  i have been down the road where people talk,and talk and talk, to cover things up, or to make themselves look or feel better about whatever, but THIS time, i KNOW who I am, and i know right from wrong, and i know my heart, and those that know me, and when i say know me, they have walked out the past 2-3 years with me, with no questions asked. and more important than that, God knows my heart. and  if you would like to question it, and why i am doing the things i am doing, go for it. but make sure that its God you are hearing, and not just want to hear, because you think i am out for something that i am not. the only thing i am after, to is be closer to the heart of God, so if what you are thinking about me, doesn’t line up with that, then you need check your thoughts, i am not trying to be mean, i am just saying that we all need someone to believe in us, not to think things that make us “feel better” about us.  I know my past better than anyone else, other than God, and i don’t need people to bring it back up, one because its in the past, and two, because i have already “repented” and am not on that road anymore, there for it is forgotten, and if we are to be like Jesus,and most of claim thats what we want to be like, then you too would forget, and stop holding it over my head. You are doing no harm to me by saying and thinking the things that you are, but it does kinda get old after a while.

I am thankful that i have been able to reconnect with some people, meet new people who just want what the Lord wants. and who also enjoy having fun, whatever fun maybe. I am happy to be around  a group of people that are honest, and that know me and my heart, and push me to do things i dont really want to do, because of fear, and because i get scared. and the end of the day, i am thankful, i am happy, i am blessed, and yes, i am most deff still human.

love.

downtown greenville on halloween November 1, 2009

Downtown Greenville, on Halloween is a bit intense, to say it best, they close the main roads, have cops everywhere, there is a check point, where you have to get searched before you and “enter” to where the clubs and nightlife are. The Boiler room is has the best window ever, it is right above where they search people before the can go though, i sat in the window for awhile waiting on some ladies from a church that felt like God wanted to them to set up across the street and hand out water, coffee, apple cider, and lots and lots of snacks, if i remember right, about 150-200 dollars worth.They got there about 10pm and set up, and already had people coming to get stuff, it was so neat to see a group of ladies, and when i said ladies i mean, mothers that have childern over 20 years old, and grandmothers, sitting out side on halloween in downtown greenville, i sat in the window of awesomness and watched as people would enter downtown, and i watched as people would go and get free drinks and snacks. the church that was doing this, had said they would not preach, but just be there, as i was sitting, i saw a group of 4 older men with BRIGHT YELLOW shirts on that said “turn to Jesus or burn in hell” this angers me so much, and when i say angry i mean, i have to leave from where they are and put my self in time out.  I was so blessed by the church, i went out to stand with them and talk with them, and the joy that was on the faces of the people coming out of the clubs and seeing that there were people there to make sure they had food in their stomach, and water, or coffee or apple cider, they were all so thankful, and loving, and speechless as to why someone would do this for them, and then i saw the so very uncool bight yellow shirt guys, and they were “preaching” to people and in return getting the “f**k you!”  while, at the same time, out of love a church that didnt care at all if people knew what church they were from, probably changed more lifes last night that i can could imagine, just by showing love to people, and lending a smile to brighten someones life, and caring enough to make sure they had spongy food. and it turns out…that one of the ladies that was helping with this, works at the preschool, that i take the boys i watch too, and for the past 3 years she has always gone out of her way to talk to me, and to ask me how i was, and when ever i was sick, she would always check on me, her son, went to school with shepard and matthew, they went to his wedding…and the lady that contacted matthew about using the boiler found us by someone else that had used the boiler room before. oh AND the Pat Dunn the mayor goes to the church that was doing this, and she CAME AND HUNG OUT. how crazy is that? to hear the other stories of how it all feel into place is crazy awesome. the Lord knows that what He is doing….

 

just because. October 26, 2009

“Sometimes you go looking for something you want. . . and find what you need”

i enjoy October 26, 2009

rainy days in the fall. i am not sure why, but it makes me happy. Today is one of those days, grey and rainy. Maybe i enjoy days like today because when they rain come it washes things away, and gives life to the things that are dead. last week the boys and i drew with chalk out side while we were waiting for their dad to come home, today, due to the rain today, ryan woke up from his nap, and looked out side, and said “haley! oh no! my picture is gone!” he was a tad upset about it, i said to him “its okay ryan, when it is dry, we can draw more pictures! if the rain didnt come and wash the old ones away, we wouldn’t have room to draw more”
i do think that is why i love the rain so much and days like today, it means something new and clean is coming. i am pretty stoked about going home, and going to a run in the neighborhood across the street, and then going to sit on my porch.

this wilderness is a beautiful thing! October 22, 2009

Back 3 ish years ago when i moved here, to greenville, i would go to work, and then come home, sleep and wake up and paint. i would lock my self in my room away from everyone, open my window, and get in my bed, and i would paint. that was back before i had face book, thats right, before facebook. i didnt do much hanging out with people, i was fine with it just being me. i would get calls, and offers to do things, but i liked being at home. i would have people over sometimes, but not alot. i would go to church and do all that,so that was my “people time” . then  life happened, and everything changed…i could tell you the exact day, and what i was doing, and where i was, and who it was that said something to me that made my world change. i lost who i was, because of what people said and thought. i let people shake my thoughts on everything, while things now, arent at all what they were, i guess i am just really starting to see what all that in my past really was.  i moved out of the place i was staying to a new place, and for whatever reason, that too changed alot, i learned alot in the “house”, i did alot that i should have done, i said alot i shouldnt have, i faded away even more from who i was, and what i stood for, i stop painting, (that has always been my outlet) i remember the last picture i painted that my heart was in, and that actually meant something to me… yes i have painted other things, but nothing that helped me deal or move, or heal, i just painted things because i was “haley the artsy girl.” alot of good and amazing things happened in the “house” as well, i got a friend back that at the time, i wasnt sure if it would ever be okay, even tho deep down, i knew it would be, but people like to talk…thank goodness God is bigger than what people say and think, there was alot of healing done, i also lost a really good friend of mine as well. I learned more in that almost year, than i have at any other time in my life. and now, i am living on my own, not hanging out with people, spending all my free time on facebook…well, not now, i dont have facebook for a while, I am doing school, and working…and today i was sitting on my bed, and reading some stuff on a forum for morning  star, and i had posted something up there a few days ago, just asking for prayer, and GOOD DAY! Jesus is faithful, people that dont know me, but love me, and pray for me, and speak words of encouragement, oh man, that is good stuff. and then i was laying in bed thinking and listening to “his is alive” and i just broke down, and was like what do i do? i am stuck, but yet i am growing, i am like alice in wonderland when she is in the white rabbits house, and she has grown, and busted out the windows and the roof of the house, but she is stuck. and the Lord said paint, and the tears came pouring out. and i laid in bed for about 45 more mins, thinking of something else i could do, but the Lord said paint.

if you know me, painting is very close to my heart, and very tender and personal to me, well, most of them are…and this painting thing has been really hard for me the past 2 years. so i got up and fixed dinner and a pot of coffee, and was like, i dont even have anything to paint with, and i looked up,a nd there was paint, and canvas and brushes, so i got all the stuff and sat in on my bed, and got my dinner and coffee, and sat on my bed. i ate, and i had my coffee…still no painting…so i started to write, and got mad and threw my paper down, the Lord said “haley, paint” so i gave in, not willing at all, a fear that if i did this, if i went back to this place of putting my heart on canvas, it would be real, my hurts, my pains, my tears would all be real, i have done so good at keeping them hidden..(the really deep ones that no one knows about) i have done so good…i didn’t want to express my darkness places, i liked having them hidden. my life, tho, not at the best place…its still, and no i dont like it all the time, but i would rather not have my world shaken by things i have stuck deep behind the walls of my heart. then the Lord showed me “See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. for if those did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape who turn away from Him, who warns  from heaven, and His voice shook the earth then, but now He has PROMISED saying YET ONCE MORE I WILL SHAKE NOT ONLY  THE EARTH, BUT ALSO THE HEAVEN, this expression “yet once more” denote the removing of those things which can be shaken, as of created things, so that those things which can not be shaken may remain. there for since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, but which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.” hebrews 12:25-29

i painted, and i painted my heart out, the Lord has taken my back to when i first got here, working, home, and painting and hanging out with Him. There is a reason to this, and i am pretty stoked about the final part of this season i am in, until, i am blessed in a new one.

i am in the wilderness, i know this, and at first, i was like here we go again, but i am happy about being in the wilderness, it is a beautiful thing. think of all that we get to hear, see and touch when we are in the wilderness??!?!

i am stoked. even when i dont seem like…i am.

this wilderness is a beautiful thing!

love!

Change October 21, 2009

I said good bye to facebook for awhile, it was one taking up to much of my time, but moslty doing more bad than good, to me, it has been a cover up for havng to reach out be real people. so instead of having my friendships on line, i am working on having real life one…

also,  i am going to set small monthy goals, to do and learn new things…when i say small, i mean, small…

for now i am teaching my self to knit!

car rides and blankets October 16, 2009

One of the things i love to do most, is to jump in my car, aka clementine and go for a drive. another thing i love to do, is make it uber cold in my apartment, to the point where i can’t stand it, and run and jump in my bed, and get under my millions of blankets.  Going for random drives, gets me out of the static of life, where i can have peace and sound for awhile, where i can scream if i need to, or i can let the tears flow down like victoria falls in africa, or i can hear a song, and turn in up as loud as miss clementine can take. as far as loving to get my apartment uber cold and jump in bed under the blankets, i am not so sure why i love this so much, maybe its because no matter how “cold” it gets i can take comfort in knowing that my bed will always be there waiting for, with my blankets and covers to make me feel “warm” and protected. i know that being a 25 year old, that is kinda silly, but hey, it could be worse to seek comfort in other things besides, car rides,blankets, trust me…i would know…so i will take joy in my comforts. : )

most of the car rides i go on, i will go out to the country a bit and clear my head, and most of the time it works, but not tonight instead, here i lay in my freezing cold room, with more questions that i set out to clear up. i would say that i am frustrated, but i am not really, i would say that i am happy about getting to “figure” out life, but that is far from it, i would say that i am numb, and i just dont care about somethings anymore, but that is what we would call  lie, i would say that i am sad about things, but not so much. what i would say is that i am broken. and by the way this “broken” feels, i must have been gluing my self together alot more than i thought. I tend to be the person that is the strong one, the one that hold its in (for a really really really really really long time, i even told my momma that i wanted to get in a fight with someone, cause that was the only we could be honest with other.) the one who will jump at the chance to help someone, if that means i dont have to fix whatever is “wrong” with me. (please keep in mind, i am just learning all this about my self, even tho i have been told all this about myself alot, learning it on my own is alot differnt) I like to lock my self away in my apartment, so no one can get to me unless i allow them to. i like it, it works for me, or so i thought. a question that came up when i was driving, was the issue of trust…and how come it is so easy to trust people that dont know who we are, like a bus driver…a cab driver, people that make our food, doctors, ect…but when it comes to the ones we “love” and the people that we are close to…we seem to really have a hard time with this, and then what about the people that we once trusted, but lost that trust? i know that with bus drivers and such, we dont have much of a choice in the matter, but we do infact trust them with our life. just saying. and i know the people that we are close to get to know us on a much personal level. and then the people we trusted and now no longer know if you can, well, that kinda says it. If we are to be like Jesus, not Jesus, but LIKE Him, then shouldnt we trust like He does? this has really been bugging me. think about all the times we hurt Him, we let Him down, we “lie” to Him, and we have to do is say sorry and repent and its forgotten? what??? and all the while He still trust us? what??? i want to have trust like Him. I want to trust people like He does, i want people to trust me like He does. i think trust is a beautiful thing. i really do. i hold it close to my heart. i do try to forgive when my trust has been cracked, but i can never seem to trust what made it crack, fully again. and it makes me sad. perhaps i am to scared to really put my self out there again, but that would be fear of man,and the only kind of fear we are to have is fear of the Lord. i know that we are human, all searching life out. and we fall short, and we hurt and get hurt. i am just saying, i want to be more like Jesus. i dont want to screw up all the time, sometime knowing, and sometimes not really knowing and just say…OH MAN, my bad. and act like it didnt happen. i want to be real.

also i dont understand how things are soooo good for one “second” and then shitty the next, and when i say things, i mean like people, (not that people are shitty, that isnt what i am saying) or friendships, family, work, personal things….i dont understand why when things get worked out,and are good agian, we let fear of whatever it was are afraid of come back in and make things shitty again…if things started out good, i think they should end good. and things that are shitty, should end good.  i am sick of self pitty, and i am pretty sure that God is not the biggest fan of it, i dont undestand why we think some are so much better than others. its sucks.

i just really want to love. and be loved. i want to forgive like Jesus did/does, i want to trust like He does, i want to love like He does. I want to be more like Him all the time. i want for people not to be scared of life and fall in love, and living life. i dont want to be scared of those things.

so, that was from the drive, not at all what i was looking for.

so now, here i lay in my cold apartment, under the blankets typing this, and it just hit me, i would be alot closer to those things i want and long for,  if I (key word “I”) would stop gluing myself back together just to fall apart again. You don’t just take a shatter peice of glass that once was beautiful and glue it back together in 5 mins, no, it takes alot of time. and it almost never looks the same. and i dont think that is a bad thing. I am going to be broken for as long as it takes Jesus to put me back together, to make me into something new, something different. after all, glue takes time to dry.

i am a broken person, that has run out of glue.

i will be thankful in this time, we are to be thankful in all things, that is the will of the Lord.

i will be joyful in all things.

Love, loves you.

October 12, 2009

I should never think
What’s in your heart
What’s in our home
So I won’t

You’ll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh Love
So call me by my name

And oh, save your soul
save your soul
Before you’re too far gone
Before nothing can be done

I’ll try to decide when
She’ll lie in the end
I ain’t got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
To tell you to hold off
You choose to hold on
It’s the one thing that I’ve known

Once I put my coat on
I’m coming out of this all wrong
She’s standing outside holding me
Saying oh please
I’m in love
I’m in love

Girl save your soul
Save your soul
Before you’re too far gone
And before nothing can be done

i enjoy this song, just because, if you know me, and you know how somethings work in my life, you will understand.

Here I am laying on my floor, near my opened window, hearing the rain start to fall, and the cars speed by, i love the sound that the tires of a moving car make in the rain, it some how makes me think of waves in the ocean.

the past few days have been interesting to say the least. When i started this school deal, i knew that big changes were going to be happening in my life, but i somehow failed to see how there would also be changes in me, personally, how i over looked that fact, i have no idea, but i can say this, now that i can see the personal change in me, and acccept it for good, things in my life have also been changed in big ways, someone showed mercy on me last thursday, that completley changed my life, i was in a sitituation that i should have never been in, with my apartment, i couldnt get a hold of momma to talk to her about, i was kinda freaking out, but not as much as i thought i should be, it was something that there was NO joy in, at all, but we are to be joyful at all times, so i did my best to have a good heart when i had to make a call to fix my issue. needless to say, i was shown mercy from someone who knew nothing of me, but that i had messed up…this changed my life…being shown real mercy from someone who doesnt know you…dang…thank you Jesus.

a few nights later i got a call from an old friend, who just wanted to talk, i haven’t been able to figure out what it was about this person, that made me feel the way that i did about them, so me, being me, just went on and talked and talked,then i was really stressing out, i couldnt get my feelings to settle down, so i prayed for an answer, and well, i got the answer, and i laughed alot. but i know where person and me stand, at least on my end, and i am pretty sure by the answer i got on the other end as well, then a few days after that, i was talking to another old friend, one that is always hard for me to talk about..not many people get “stuck” in my heart, and most of the ones that do, know they do, they have been there with me though a ton of things in my life, good and bad, well, so this said friend and i were talking, and things were being said, that i already knew, i guess i just never wanted to hear them being said, cause of what it would do to my heart. and yes,my heart is a little soggy (not in the best way, but not in the worst way) i never been good at standing up to things when it come to me, but i can stand up for other people, just not me, but i am leaning, no one (other than Jesus) can stand up for me better than i can. there are a few people that truly know me well enoght to stand up for me, and when they do, i am very greatful. i am very freaked out by things going on right now, but i know its all for good, and i know that my time from today untill the start of july are very important.

for now, i am going to enjoy a cup of coffee on my porch and enjoy the romance of the weather today.

what will it take to break this hint of Love? October 4, 2009

I want to go on ride, in the county, where the air is crisp, and the trees are changing colors, where there are no city lights, and the sky is so clear that i can see the stars twinkle.

a few weeks ago, i was working my 10 hour a day job, coming home and doing school work for about 3 or 4 hours on top of that, and was sick, and i dont get sick much, but when i do, you can pretty much say that i will be bitchy, without meaning to be, that week was the worst. my thoughts overtook me, all the things that i thing “bad” of myself came into play and hung out in my head and heart. things like i am not good enough, that i am suck in my own “hell” that i have created, that i will never find someone who loves me just for who i am, and that will help me and challenge me to be a better person, someone who will not try to change me, but get me for who i am, then i had the thoughts of all the people in the past that i thought that i could trust, and that i thought knew me, and i thought “got” me. and how, now that was so far from the case, but then i thought, “well, at the time, they were good in my life, and good things came from it” and then it hit me…we all know the saying about how people come in your lifes and leave, but they live footprints on your heart” and that is true, but i wounder how many bad footprints i have to the good ones? i know that people come for seasons, and are there for a reason, i tend to like to stretch out the seasons sometimes, not only for me, but i grow attacted really fast,and give everything that i can put it a friendship/relationships, untill i am bone dry, and i think that if i had said thank you for that time, and have stopped opening the “door” everytime it was closed then maybe i wouldn’t “hurt” so much, and when i say hurt, id ont mean like broken hearted, i mean like when you fall and scrape your knee from running when you know you shoud have been walking…while at the time it hurts and it burns, but it heals in a few days…and then, what about the ones where the door is wide open, but i am to scared to walk though the door? it doesnt stay open for long, before someone else comes in and closes it….
then i was freaking out about school…i KNOW that it is something that i NEED to do, but i dont know why…and the there is work, and what am i going to do when my people move? what does that mean?
so then, laying in my bed…sick..and very bitchy, i was like fine, i will just read, and the only book that i could get to without getting out of bed was my bible…i am not going to act like that was what i wanted to read, even though the state of mind i was in, i needed to read it, so i flipped the pages and kept flipping i came to this….
“Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come along. for behold, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone, the flowers have already appeared in the land, the time has arrived for pruning the vines, and the voice of the turtledove has been heard in our land. the fig tree has ripened its figs and the vines in blossom have given forth their fragrance. Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come along”(songs 2:10-13)

Darling is my fave thing to be called ever…i think it is one of the sweetest things to call people that you love.
then i was like oh lets go find some music…so i did…and i started to listen to OwlCity (i know i know, everyone out there pretty much is in love with them, well, its pretty much one dude, but whateve. (: )
and i played “The SaltWater Room” and fell in love with it…

“Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time”

that was a huge Jesus thing for me. and something i would like to actually happen down here on earth in my life… : )
but mainly Jesus…

how often does He ask “So tell me Darling, do you wish we’d fall in love”

and so many times we are to scared, or we are to busy questioning what it means to be a “christian” and if we are “religious” or not, when we are all just looking to someone to love us, when all the time, somone is always around loving us just where we are, and He is just waiting on us to want to fall in love.i wish that people knew how much freedom there is in the Lord, much for freedom than without Him.

What will it take for us to break this hint of love?