car rides and blankets October 16, 2009

One of the things i love to do most, is to jump in my car, aka clementine and go for a drive. another thing i love to do, is make it uber cold in my apartment, to the point where i can’t stand it, and run and jump in my bed, and get under my millions of blankets.  Going for random drives, gets me out of the static of life, where i can have peace and sound for awhile, where i can scream if i need to, or i can let the tears flow down like victoria falls in africa, or i can hear a song, and turn in up as loud as miss clementine can take. as far as loving to get my apartment uber cold and jump in bed under the blankets, i am not so sure why i love this so much, maybe its because no matter how “cold” it gets i can take comfort in knowing that my bed will always be there waiting for, with my blankets and covers to make me feel “warm” and protected. i know that being a 25 year old, that is kinda silly, but hey, it could be worse to seek comfort in other things besides, car rides,blankets, trust me…i would know…so i will take joy in my comforts. : )

most of the car rides i go on, i will go out to the country a bit and clear my head, and most of the time it works, but not tonight instead, here i lay in my freezing cold room, with more questions that i set out to clear up. i would say that i am frustrated, but i am not really, i would say that i am happy about getting to “figure” out life, but that is far from it, i would say that i am numb, and i just dont care about somethings anymore, but that is what we would call  lie, i would say that i am sad about things, but not so much. what i would say is that i am broken. and by the way this “broken” feels, i must have been gluing my self together alot more than i thought. I tend to be the person that is the strong one, the one that hold its in (for a really really really really really long time, i even told my momma that i wanted to get in a fight with someone, cause that was the only we could be honest with other.) the one who will jump at the chance to help someone, if that means i dont have to fix whatever is “wrong” with me. (please keep in mind, i am just learning all this about my self, even tho i have been told all this about myself alot, learning it on my own is alot differnt) I like to lock my self away in my apartment, so no one can get to me unless i allow them to. i like it, it works for me, or so i thought. a question that came up when i was driving, was the issue of trust…and how come it is so easy to trust people that dont know who we are, like a bus driver…a cab driver, people that make our food, doctors, ect…but when it comes to the ones we “love” and the people that we are close to…we seem to really have a hard time with this, and then what about the people that we once trusted, but lost that trust? i know that with bus drivers and such, we dont have much of a choice in the matter, but we do infact trust them with our life. just saying. and i know the people that we are close to get to know us on a much personal level. and then the people we trusted and now no longer know if you can, well, that kinda says it. If we are to be like Jesus, not Jesus, but LIKE Him, then shouldnt we trust like He does? this has really been bugging me. think about all the times we hurt Him, we let Him down, we “lie” to Him, and we have to do is say sorry and repent and its forgotten? what??? and all the while He still trust us? what??? i want to have trust like Him. I want to trust people like He does, i want people to trust me like He does. i think trust is a beautiful thing. i really do. i hold it close to my heart. i do try to forgive when my trust has been cracked, but i can never seem to trust what made it crack, fully again. and it makes me sad. perhaps i am to scared to really put my self out there again, but that would be fear of man,and the only kind of fear we are to have is fear of the Lord. i know that we are human, all searching life out. and we fall short, and we hurt and get hurt. i am just saying, i want to be more like Jesus. i dont want to screw up all the time, sometime knowing, and sometimes not really knowing and just say…OH MAN, my bad. and act like it didnt happen. i want to be real.

also i dont understand how things are soooo good for one “second” and then shitty the next, and when i say things, i mean like people, (not that people are shitty, that isnt what i am saying) or friendships, family, work, personal things….i dont understand why when things get worked out,and are good agian, we let fear of whatever it was are afraid of come back in and make things shitty again…if things started out good, i think they should end good. and things that are shitty, should end good.  i am sick of self pitty, and i am pretty sure that God is not the biggest fan of it, i dont undestand why we think some are so much better than others. its sucks.

i just really want to love. and be loved. i want to forgive like Jesus did/does, i want to trust like He does, i want to love like He does. I want to be more like Him all the time. i want for people not to be scared of life and fall in love, and living life. i dont want to be scared of those things.

so, that was from the drive, not at all what i was looking for.

so now, here i lay in my cold apartment, under the blankets typing this, and it just hit me, i would be alot closer to those things i want and long for,  if I (key word “I”) would stop gluing myself back together just to fall apart again. You don’t just take a shatter peice of glass that once was beautiful and glue it back together in 5 mins, no, it takes alot of time. and it almost never looks the same. and i dont think that is a bad thing. I am going to be broken for as long as it takes Jesus to put me back together, to make me into something new, something different. after all, glue takes time to dry.

i am a broken person, that has run out of glue.

i will be thankful in this time, we are to be thankful in all things, that is the will of the Lord.

i will be joyful in all things.

Love, loves you.